Convocation ceremony

27th October, 2013. UTP's 13th Convocation Ceremony. I am one of the many proud graduates.

Foundation Year vs Convocation Day

Have been waiting 10 months for this moment. Tracing back the timeline: I finished my semester on January, got a job offer on May, and I am now more than 6 months into my career. Many things have changed. Give another year, and many years after that, how will we change again? Just like this photo, a beautiful piece of time capsule.

The past is for reminiscence. Those carefree moments. Those good old time. 

The future has many things to look forward to. Working life is nothing like the "good old time". But I firmly believe it has its own perks and surprises. I just have to persevere, and be patient. 

“I'm not telling you it's going to be easy - I'm telling you it's going to be worth it.” Art Williams

   

Dissonance

Dear Dad, your work requires you to travel all the time. I understand the need to, but I hope you can also think of settling down soon and enjoy the golden years of your life with the family.

Dear mom, sorry that I did not write to you on your birthday. It's ironic to call it a birthday. It's more like a date to remember you. Thought of dedicating a short post for you on that day but I just keep putting it off.

Dear Ah Ma, sorry that sometimes I seemed to take what you did for granted. It wasn't easy for you I know, to take care of our family, with Jolin being rebellious and the maid hating you.

Dear Jolin, Jason, and Joanne, sorry that I am too caught up with myself and my friends that I forgot to spend more time with you all, to at least catch up and keep in touch with what's happening in my siblings' lives.

I found that my life is at a dissonance. I always hold my family dearest and closest to me, but recently my actions belie me. Procrastination, my worst enemy. Better turn things around before I regret it.  

23rd Birthday: A new aspiration

Today is my birthday, on a Sunday! Nevertheless, I've decided to keep it low profile, especially on facebook. It's amazingly simple, just hide your date of birth and the only well-wishers are those who truly remember your special day. 

My birthday wish? I guess the person who can grant me this wish is no one else but myself. 

Please make me a wiser person, because I've seen myself blessed with many opportunities and resources, yet only to see them underutilized and pass right under my nose. There are many things in the past that I could have done better. I want the wisdom to manage what I have. 

Please make me a more outgoing person, a person with a more cheerful disposition, a person who can slide comfortably into parties, events, and gatherings. Grant me the gift of the gab, make me a social butterfly, because it is actually very lonely to be invisible, to be just an observer all the time.   

Please grant me more knowledge, because to know is to feel empowered, and the world is actually an interesting place that excites all the senses. Travelling, cooking, gardening, keeping a pet, football, cars, playing a musical instrument, money management, photography, oh these are just a few. How I wish for the time to learn about all these.  

I'm tired of living in a golden cage, I'm tried of living in my comfort zone, to toil away in a straight line defined by the society and expect life is just that. Only when time wears away will I realized how much about life I have missed. Am I living every moment my life to the fullest?

And so ends my moment of self-reflection and introspection.     

It's 3 month into my working life, and my 5th week since my handover to Area 2. I could not have been blessed with a more pleasant environment where the learning opportunity is rich and abundant. People here are nice and not selfish with their knowledge. Hmm..but I still need to learn how to fit in with them, to become part of the team that they can appreciate. Visibility, that's the word. 

Here comes the cheesy line: Wishing myself a Happy 23rd Birthday!

I wish for nothing more than to become a better person everyday. 

Material stuff on my birthday you said? Oh, I don't need to wait until my birthday to wish for those things. I do long for a DSLR camera though, preferably before my trip to Australia this December. Well, more research need to be done before I spent a chunk of money on that.    

That's wrap. Let's hope I will frequently update my blog after this.  

The start of something new

This is it! I’ve entered one of the compulsory phases of adulthood, the working life.  I’m with PETRONAS Refinery in Malacca. Melaka is a totally new environment, I have a new home to stay, new people, new workplace, everything is unfamiliar! 

It's been a roller coaster ride. Not long since my mom's passing, I got a call from HR to receive my offer letter. One thing led to another. There are many forms to fill, accommodation to look up, things to buy, and here I am finally. Just before that I have attended a 2 weeks induction program for new executives who will be joining PETRONAS. Good memories. It definitely helps that most people already know each other on the first day of work. Must thank PETRONAS for this initiative. 

Met so many new friends in PIPE108

Meanwhile, my first day at work is not so 'colorful', but there is so much information to absorb. Today is all about briefings, intro to the Refinery, the organization structure, HSE matters, employment benefits, things like that. The Refinery itself is a huge complex, the process area clearly visible from a distance with its rows of rigid towers and structures gleaming in the sun. I guess I am like a curious child during his first time at the zoo. I can't wait to explore and see what's in stall for me. Anyhow, I hope to maintain this zealous spirit of mine, the eagerness to know, because only with passion then work will cease to be a burden and become something enjoyable. Looking forward to learning something new everyday!        

  

PETRONAS Penapisan Melaka

Rest in Peace, Mom

13/03/2013 11.45am. 

Death took my mother. 

It has been 3 weeks since her death, but I still remember that morning vividly. Her last moments. The whole family was there. We told her how much we love her, and that she has nothing to worry about because we would take good care of each other. I held her hands that were deathly cold. And her sad eyes, staring at me. Maybe she wanted to say something, but just can't. She was inhaling sharply, struggling for every breath, the oxygen mask seemed to does little of help. Words just fail me. I just stood there and sobbed. Not long after that she coughed blood, before our very eyes she drew her last breath.The grief that I have been holding on to every day, like an opened floodgate, finally came crashing forward as I broke down, having to accept the fact that my mother was gone for good. It was after some time until there was no tears left, that I was numb, that I felt nothing but a vast emptiness.

A closure that we wish will not end this way, but still a closure nonetheless. At least she doesn't have to suffer anymore. For months I have seen her in agony and pain. Cancer is a cruel disease, and the side effects of the treatment process is crueler no less. I can only watch as it slowly sapped away my mother's strength, until she become so thin and fragile that she was just skin and bones. Soon she became totally bed-ridden. She was lying down all the time, and required me (or my dad) to prop her back up against some pillows so she can sit upright and went through her daily routines (drinking, eating, brushing teeth etc). Her life became confined to a bed and within those 4 walls that given long enough time can be claustrophobic-inducing. 

But it doesn't just stop there. To physically ravage is one thing, to cripple the soul is even deadlier. Soon she began to have serious memory lapses, started to speak incoherently, and at times unable to comprehend what we were saying and we have to repeat ourselves again, clearly and loudly. It's like her intelligence was reduced to that of a 1 year old child. At that stage, she was a remnant of the cheerful, talkative mom that we all used to know. Finally, she became too weak to even eat and drink. In her waking hours she would be screaming in pain, her eyes looking into mine, imploring me to make her pain go away. But what I can I do other than just be by her side? I can only clasped her hands gently and told her to be strong. And if the morphine, the most powerful pain-killer available, was strong enough, she would be sleeping. That's all left of her life, sleep or waking up to suffer. 

It's the same heart-wrenching routine everyday for me for the past few months. Sometimes I wondered if being stabbed by a knife will hurt less. Even more, I wondered all this while how my mother has the resolve and strength through all this. From the moment she knew that she was diagnosed with cancer, and how treatment means she would have to lose her hair and gradually her beauty, and while hospitalized how she can stand living in the same room, the same bed everyday away from home and the family, and finally the pain and suffering tormenting her that she described as "more painful than giving birth". The willpower to withstand all that. How can she be so strong? How can she be so patient? 

Part of me doesn't want to accept death as a finality. Sometimes I foolishly fantasizes that she would at any moment threw the front door wide open and walk right in to surprise us all, she being healthy and well, telling us it was a just a nasty prank. Or the very least, even if she is gone, we get to meet her in our dreams like our usual family outings, us ranting about our lives and she would in turn inform us how she has nicely settled down in the afterworld and how "life" over there was like. Is it peaceful up there? Did she have any friends? Does burning all those effigies really work? Did she receive all those gold ingots that we painstakingly fold from sheets of golden paper? Did she attain enlightenment? Well, one can keep dreaming. I just hope that she has moved on and found peace, she has suffered enough.

Dear Mom,

There are many regrets, but the one that left the most bitter taste is that I did not get to spend more time with you. For the past 5 years I have been away from home. Now that I have finally graduated and is back to spend my time with my family, it seems that I'm too late for you. The brief 2 months that I only get to be with you until your passing never seems to suffice. It sure reminds me of a Chinese proverb that I have learnt:

"树欲静而风不止, 子欲养而亲不在"

meaning the trees try to be still but the wind just won't stop blowing,a son wants to love his parents but they are no longer alive.

We all have suffered much.

Jolin and Jason, the youngest siblings who at their young age should be carefree and happy yet have to deal with mom's death.

My dad, who with my mom should be ideally living a retired life together, taking care of Jason and Jolin while me and Joanne started working. 

Joanne and my Ee Ee (aunt). Mom was their confidants and they share many time over the phone talking about many things and every things for hours. 

These are just the tip of the iceberg.

At the end of the day, life has to go on.
My father said: "Mother was the greatest person ever, planning everything for the children and family but less for herself."
I couldn't agree more. Mom, you are the embodiment of what a mother's love to her children is. I am lucky to have a mother like you, to know how love feels like. It may be brief, but that is how transient human life is meant to be, like a candle flame, fickle and brief, but brief enough to kindle other candles before its end of time.

Rest in peace, my dearest mother.

Dear Mom

I love you.

Get better soon ok?

Then we can all go home. Home is waiting. We all miss you.